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Title: The Mountain

Author: Uluithiel

Date completed: 24 September 2002

Pairing: EW/??

Summary: Elijah has decisions to make

Disclaimer: None of this happened. Not at all, uh uh. Nothing even close to it. I made it all up. Silly me.

San Francisco

April 20, 2002

The lights of San Francisco began to emerge from the sulphurous glow of the freeway at about 5AM. Elijah had never been more awake.

He had been driving for hours. He adored driving, adored the freeways, especially in the middle of the night. He adored the intimacy of a car, enclosing him in his own little world, away from everyone else.

But suddenly he felt confined. On an impulse he touched the controls to slide down all the windows, and the wet Bay breeze blew his hair wildly. He cranked up the volume on the stereo, then suddenly ejected the disc and fumbled in the visor CD case. Only Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness could save him now.

The world is a vampire, sent to drain

secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames

and what do i get, for my pain

betrayed desires, and a piece of the game . . .

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Elijah sang along, pounding the heel of his hand on the steering wheel.

He stayed on 101 all the way through San Francisco, cutting up Van Ness and across the Presidio to the Golden Gate Bridge and into Marin County. Elijah was a city boy, hopelessly addicted to the lights, the hum, the energy of the city. But he also loved Marin County with its slower rhythms, its natural beauty, its funky flavor of yesteryear.

He'd never noticed the sign before, but this morning, with dawn beginning to lighten the sky, it beckoned him. "Mount Tamalpais State Park". He winced as he remembered -- it was Sean who had mentioned Mount Tamalpais. Sean who said that this mountain was a place he sometimes went when he needed space to think.

Well, space to think was sure the fuck what Elijah needed this morning. He swung the BMW onto the winding road.

He took the bends much too fast, glorying in the car's responsiveness, fingers light and skilled on the wheel. As he wound up the mountain he encountered one vista after another, facing North, then East; now South, now West. Each view was more expansive than the last as he climbed.

The parking lot was empty, the visitor's center dark. Perfect. Elijah locked the car and got a Pepsi from the machine outside the restroom building. Swigging it quickly, he glanced around. One trail, set with logs, led up to the peak. Another seemed to wind around the mountain. He chose the latter. After about half a mile a second trail branched off; rougher, less used. Without hesitation he set off on it.

Every quarter mile or so there was a space created on the trail for stopping, sitting, looking out at the glorious view over the Bay area. The trail, winding around the mountain, offered a never-ending variety of vistas. When Elijah could see the topmost spires of the Golden Gate Bridge barely visible above the white sea of fog, he stopped. Leaning against a large rock, knees drawn up, arms around them, he stared unseeingly across San Francisco and down the Bay.

Sean.

Sean.

All roads led back to Sean.

Every fibre of romance in Elijah's romantic soul was twined around Sean. That meeting in the hotel lobby, the one written up in all the interviews, had awakened the seed of hope deep in Elijah's heart. True love, love at first sight, storybook love, Princess Bride love. . . it could happen. It did happen. It had happened. Elijah fell in love with Sean at that moment, and he would never fall out of that love. He had met his twin soul, his perfect mate, his storybook prince. . . and he couldn't have him.

For the first time in weeks, Elijah let his mind rest on, stay with, the thought of Sean. He thought of the electric moment when they met. He thought of ... oh god ... of New Zealand, of months of work and the unbreakable bond that was Frodo/Sam/Elijah/Sean. He thought of Sean's goodness, his sweetness, his humor, his fierce protectiveness.

He thought of Sean's mouth, and shuddered. He remembered the one night when he had kissed that mouth, felt that mouth on his body. His blood flared hot at the memory, and he squirmed on the hard ground.

He remembered that mouth saying, time and time again, "I have to go now, Lijah."

He remembered that mouth saying "Lij? I have something to tell you. Christine is pregnant."

Elijah dropped his head into his hands and let the tears flow. He sobbed, crying Sean's name to the wheeling hawks.

Elijah sat and cried for a long time. He let himself remember every moment with Sean, every joy, every sorrow, every word, every glance. Everything they had said to each other. Everything they had not said to each other. Every touch, from the incandescent night in New Zealand to the brotherly hugs they exchanged whenever they met. Every kiss, from that first accidental brush of lips in the makeup trailer, to those few searing kisses of lovemaking, to the public hobbit smooches on the cheek and forehead. Every glance, from the shock of recognition so long ago in that lobby to the smouldering gaze that spoke of Sean's desire. . . from the countless loving looks to the countless pleading looks, wordlessly begging Elijah to understand.

And Elijah understood. He understood. He understood that even storybook love-at-first-sight was not enough to overcome real life.

The hazel eyes burned in his memory changed shape, color... and were Dom's eyes.

Dom. Fun, crazy Dom. Sblomie, irrepressible hobbit. Best mate. Comforting friend.

He remembered Dom's mouth and shuddered. Dom's mouth on his throat, on his lips. His own response, his yearning, the fire that flared in his blood at Dom's touch.

Dom's mouth saying "I'm going to take you the fuck away from him."

Dom's mouth, twisted in anguish, saying "He doesn't deserve you!"

Was there a choice here?

Elijah had not chosen Sean. The love he felt for Sean had chosen HIM. It had HAPPENED, and Elijah had flowed with the happening, helpless to direct the current of love and desire. It was the stuff of fairy tales, pure romance: the love that existed despite all obstacles.

But, when those obstacles proved insurmountable, was he to nurture the ungerminated seed of that love forever? Doing the tragic princess bit could get old after awhile. How long was he to wait, hoping against hope that Sean would ... would what? Change his mind? How long did Lij want to wait, hoping Sean would decide to wreck his life and break up his family?

Dom. Elijah loved Dom with all his heart. But was he in love with him? Well, compared to what he felt for Sean, the answer was an unequivocal NO. But... how could he compare the two? Why should he?

Sean was annoyed at Dominic's horseplay, his wildness that he thought endangered Elijah's reputation, endangered Elijah. Sean had been annoyed when Elijah had given Dom his car (well, he'd wanted the BMW anyway!). And somehow Sean had divined the change in the dynamic between Lij and Dom in the past weeks, because he had arranged for Dom to move in with Mac - a good arrangement for everyone, but it had not escaped Elijah's attention that this arrangement positioned an Astin between Lijah and Dominic. He was sure Dom was aware of this as well.

And suddenly Elijah was angry. Not angry, fucking FURIOUS!! By what RIGHT did Sean decide who he could give things to, who he could live with, who he could love.....

who he could love? Did Sean have the right to keep Elijah from loving another? Lijah suddenly realized that he had GIVEN Sean that right.

Lij reached for his cell phone, hit the speeddial. He answered, thank god, and Lij was brief. Can we have dinner together? How about at my place? . . . and, laughing at the exclamation of horror: I'll order in. . . they broke the connection.

Elijah swung to his feet, brushed the dust of Mount Tamalpais off his ass, and headed for his car. . . for Los Angeles. . . for him.

lyrics from "Bullet with Butterfly Wings"

on Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness

Smashing Pumpkins

~TBC~